Why Pirates?

Arr!
International Talk Like A Pirate Day is upon us again, which means that people all over the world are going to realize at some point this week that they missed it again.
Talk Like A Pirate day was concieved by a couple of guys that had a funny idea, and then happened to get Dave Berry's email address.  A lot of us would like to think that we could do the same thing, but honestly, not many funny ideas are so universally likeable.  Seriously, if a person can't enjoy themselves on International Talk Like A Pirate Day, it's a pretty fair indicator that that person is either a terminator or has been replaced by a pod person.
What today makes me think about, though, is not just talking like a pirate, but all the things that make us love pirates.  They're a bunch of funloving nautical guys that love drinking rum, right?  Jimmy Buffet with cutlasses?  Who doesn't love that?
The fact is, pirates were kind of jerks. They killed a ton of people, did all kinds of unplesant stuff with the people they captured... some particularly brutal pirates in the china seas often practiced cannibalism.  So why do we turn them into beloved heroes of blockbuster films that suddenly launch longtime hollywood outsider Johnny Depp to superstardom? 
It's not because of what pirates are, it's because of the world we imagine for them.  A world where Errol Flynn swings from the mast as he takes a spanish treasure ship and woos the beautiful niece of the english plantation holder... where young Jim Hawkins outsmarts Long John and his crew of bloodthirsty buccaneers to find the treasure and become a man.  Pirates course with the lifeblood of adventure. 
Honestly?  It's barely about the pirates at all.  It's about standing astride adversity and boldly shouting "Arrr!", carving your name into legend!  So enjoy International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and if it makes you feel a little bolder, a little more the adventurer, them maybe you might find it in you to be that guy all year!

If I wrote the Avengers, or 'learning to write html from my phone'

First of all, let me give you a little heads-up. I'm a nerd. Not just a 'enjoys video games & watches fringe' nerd, but a 'memorized every episode of star trek & will try to engage strangers in conversations about early Fantastic Four' nerd. It's a tough cross to bear, but honestly, I think I make it look pretty good.
I'm saying so because I know how weird this is going to seem to readers that AREN'T colossal nerds. When you read comics, one of the coolest things is which characters turn up in different books with each other. Sure, seeing the different powers layer together in new and interesting ways is cool, but it's even cooler to see how their relationships evolve over time. When a new series begins, like the upcoming x-men: regenisis, you get this awesome reshuffling of members, with new characters joining different teams, all with promises of new conflicts and relationships and coolness. Sometimes, the new lineup is really cool, but the characters don't quite feel right within the context of that particular superhero team... like, top of my head, congorilla on the justice league. So, you wind up with this cool tightrope walk, trying to put together a lineup that is original and unexpected, but still feels like the team we wanted to read about in the first place.
Which leads, inevitably, to this classic question between nerds; if YOU were going to write (whichever comic), what would YOUR lineup be? I, of course, have my own lineup ideas for different superhero teams, usually after a long chat with my nerd-in-arms, Joel. They change over time, obviously, because the circumstances in the world of comics are constantly changing. Jean Grey used to be a shoo-in for everyone's x-men lineup, even when she was dead half the time.
All that explanation aside... here's my Avengers lineup... the team I'd put together if I was writing the book. It's a 10 person team, with the five classic characters that I think you just have to have to make it an Avengers team, and five that are either more obscure Avengers, or totally new to the team.
You'd want to begin with the big three, because it just isn't the Avengers otherwise.
Captain America
I love that I don't have to explain this guy anymore. Everybody knows who he is. He doesn't put the team together, but it doesn't matter, he's still in charge. Without him in front of the team, it just doesn't work.
Iron Man
Watching them try to reintegrate iron man into the superhero community after civil war has been fun, but the fact is, I LIKE that no one trusts him anymore. When he offers to fund the Avengers, he has to WORK to get them to let him work alongside him.
Thor
It's cool to not have to worry about power: once thor is on the team, you've got all the power you can handle. The sheer alpha-ness of this guy means that you ALWAYS miss him when he's gone.
Once you have the big three in place, most of your bases are covered. Not all the other classic Avengers are exactly necessary at that point, but I think every fan has a couple that they think are vital.
Wasp
Wasp may not be the most powerful Avenger, but she's definitely one of their key members. She's a born hero, someone who takes powers that don't seem that useful (certain other characters have the same powers, and they suck) and uses them to such great effect that she could honestly lead the team.
Hawkeye
Every superhero team needs the one guy who just doesn't give a %$*#, and NOBODY is better at being that guy than Hawkeye. It's vital to have the one guy that will tell it like it is, who will say something when the team leader is being a tool. Hawkeye's powers, let's face it, are pretty obviously useless, but it's never been about needing an archer on the team. It's about needing Hawkeye.
So, classic team members out of the way, we start picking out a few more obscure avengers that will start to make this particular lineup unique, both in the powers available, and in the personalities.
Tigra
Tigra's usefulness is largely in her stealth capabilities... I love the idea of her being able to sneak all cat-like into enemy territory and start sabatoging stuff :) even more so, though... you get a catgirl in a bikini hanging out in avengers mansion... hitting on pizza delivery guys and getting hairballs in the pool filter. Awesome.
Machine Man
Fellow nerds are adamant that superhero teams need a comic relief guy; usually a stretchy guy like plastic man. I'm not completely convinced, but with Machine Man in that role, it suddenly becomes awesome. He's stretchy, but he also has buzz saws in his chest, can produce flame-throwers, and his comedy stylings are very Bender-ish. He's definately powerful, and he'll call people fleshbags. Love it.
Invisible Woman
Sue Storm has been an Avenger before, but only along with the rest of the Fantastic Four. Her inclusion in this iteration hangs on an entirely seperate fact: the Fantastic Four needs to break up. Reed is a colossal tool, and a horrible husband. Sue needs to realize how much she's sacrificed for a man that doesn't love her, and break away, become her own woman... which will be awesome, because she's an AMAZING superhero just waiting to happen. You know what power the Avengers could use? Someone that makes constructs, a-la green lantern. She should break away and step up her game, get a new costume and join the varsity team.
The last couple of Avengers are totally new, which is always a halmark of a decent Avengers writer, like geoff johns's adding Firestar & Justice, or Bendis adding Luke Cage, Spider-man, Sentry, Wolverine, Spider-woman, (damn, bendis...) but I always thought they'd be perfect Avengers if they were fit into the team correctly:
Cable
Cable can really suck when he's not written JUST right, but honestly, he's born to be an Avenger. His personality would fit so awesomely into the Cap, Iron Man, Thor dynamic... he'd bond so thouroughly with Cap, it's amazing this hasn't happened yet. The technology and resources he brings are overwhelming, and his capability as a warrior makes him just a fantastic addition to the team.
Plus, he's a solid mentor to the last new team member. It's always important to have one total newbie, someone who will be the audiences window into all the fantastic goings-on.
Blink
Everyone. Loves. Blink. They've needed to get her into the mainstream 616 universe forever... I understand they're starting to find a way to do it by bringing back the original character that died in generation x as a temporary villian... I don't know, you could just as easily end exiles and dump all the characters, dead or not, into their home dimensions, but send her to the 616 because she doesn't fit into the new AoA timeline. Or whatever, I don't care HOW you do it... she needs to be brought in. And the X-men are BRIMMING with young cute inguine mutants to sidekick with wolverine; kitty, jubilee, armor, pixie, x-23... put her somewhere where she MATTERS.
And that would be my Avengers. I'm sure it's bound to change; the fact that cable appears to be murdering the entire Avengers line-up come december's avengers: x-sanction might hurt my chances of seeing this come true. But then I'll just build a new lineup... because that's the point. This stuff is fun to think about!

The Zombie Apocalypse: trying to explain it to people that don't get it.

Trying to explain why it's fun to plan for the zombie apocalypse to a person that doesn't get it on their own is always frustrating.  Of COURSE it's awesome, how could you possibly not want it?  There's zombies!
The fact is, there's actually a few reasons a person might not think that the zombie apocalypse is sick awesome and totally worth having.  The reasons are all wrong, obviously, but still:  to understand these people, we should make a effort to understand their reasoning.
First of all, there's one central issue that zombie non-fans (nonzoms?) get their head stuck on.  Interestingly, they get caught on it in two completely seperate directions.  It's the 'apocalypse' part of zombie apocalypse.  The fact that society is falling apart around you.  Some nonzoms don't like the idea of everything colapsing and having to fight for their survival, and very likely losing everyone they've ever loved.  Others have an issue with the idea of slow shambling dead people somehow ending civilization... honestly... just shoot them, turn the power back on, and go back to watching doctor who.
Basically, the problem here is that there's no clearly consistent understanding of the danger involved in your average zombie apocalypse.  You can't really blame the nonzoms for this, we haven't made it easy.  Romero shamblers, Danny Boyle's high-speed rage-runners, Milla Jovovich's kung-fu cgi abominations... the threat level seems wildly in consistent.  If you find yourself trying to convince someone that a zombie apocalypse is either a) not so horrible that it wouldn't be awesome, or b) not so boring that it wouldn't be awesome, the central point that you should focus on is this:
Zombie apocalypses, reguardless of type, share one key feature:  they wipe out civilization, but you survive.  You always survive, because that's the POINT.  It's crazy hard, but you're pushed to new limits, discovering things about yourself you never thought possible.  The whole zombie thing is cool, it gives you a target, something external that forces you to scrounge for ammo and carry a katana, but ultimately, it's about survival.  Which is always cool.
So what about the nonzoms that are turned off by the idea of having to put down zombified versions of their friends & loved ones?  Well, yea, they're right, that sucks.  It's a great metaphor for a lot of... you know, stuff... but to actually do it?  Awful.
But this whole apocalypse thing would be nothing if there wasn't some awful stuff going down.  The idea that you're suddenly living in a dark, intense hero-forge is part of the appeal.  They say that part of the hero's journey is to destroy the things that made him, to cut his roots and free himself.  So yea, having to shoot your homecoming date is really going to blow, but you get to go on to club dozens of undead with a claw hammer.
Then, of course, there's the folks that just can't understand that we're just TALKING, here.  The same folks that accuse fantasy football players of diluting themselves into believing that they're actually playing football, or that think that dungeons and dragons is actually going to promote satanism.  I'd advise that, once you realize you're talking to one of them, you just back away slowly.

Reimagining Road House. Because I like to party.

Watching lousy action movies that joyfully relish their own badness is not for everyone.  It's very easy to do ironically... in a pabst-blue-ribbon/skinny-jeans way, and no one wants to be that guy.  Alternatively, you don't want to be the sort that deliberately loves these movies, either.  They have special buses for honest-to-god american ninja fans.
So why watch them at all?  Because they're actually fun.  You can't let yourself be aware of the badness, but rather let it melt your adult movie-watching sensibilities into a sort of cozy chilled pudding, and then let the ten year old in you, the kid that loves watching jeff speakman hit ninjas with escrima sticks, geek out at the sheer awesomeness of the fictional world the movie is utterly failing to depict.
I say all this, because I just watched road house.  I need to explain why, when I talk about the shortcomings of the movie, you know why I'm not addressing it's obvious badness.  What I'm talking about here is the pitfalls in the story it's TRYING to tell.
My biggest thing is that the movie's central premise, the craziness of the double deuce, is resolved halfway through the movie.  Once Dalton cleans up the Deuce, all the conflict is suddenly outside the bar.  There's... a bad guy?  Who... runs extortion?  He owns a monster truck?  Honestly, I wasn't paying attention. 
So let's focus more on the deuce... give it more character, more backstory.  Why is it all so messed up? Did the local industry grind to a stop when the mill closed, and now organized crime is moving in?  Maybe the local dealers are muscling out the last of the old family-owned businesses, extorting protection from them while the nightly drug & impotent jobless rage-fueled brawls are making it impossible for them to stay open.  So what do they do?  They need a bouncer... someone with nothing to lose...
This is the other problem with the original.  Patrick Swayze is capable of being really cool; what was that post-apocalyptic martial arts movie he did with the guy that played the general in the fifth element?  Anyway... Dalton is a cool guy,  no denying, but he's so COOL, it's like he's floating above everything.  He doesn't become emotionally involved in the Deuce... only in the conflict at the end when the bad guy burns down Red's place and a room full of old men are afraid to fight him... or something.
Dalton's conflict should be in the bar... it's supposed to be what this movie is about.  I think the mistake is the whole notion of him being this epic, legendary bouncer.  Couldn't we do more with that?  What if he was a promising mixed martial artist that lost his shot because of an injury, and then lost his job when the mill closed down?  Maybe he had hit rock bottom and was working as debt collector for the mob when a cousin or high school sweetheart or something aproaches him to help the bar.  It becomes about standing up for yourself.
See?  Doesn't that sound like a good movie?  They could totally do that remake!  How about it, hollywood?  A remake we can enjoy?  Fright night is awefully lonely.

First Reaction: Justice League #1

So... dc has begun it's relaunched continuity. The first time DC has reset it's continuity since... what, every three years for the past decade?
Seriously, though, dc needs to be reset. They had me right through infinite crisis, and most of 52. They started to lose me in countdown... by final crisis I was done. I mean DONE. Who are these characters? It was completely unrecognizable.
So honestly, I don't even care HOW they get here. People have recommended that I read flashpoint, but I have no interest at all in the final chapter of the old DC. Bring on the new stuff!
First off, there's Justice League #1. Written by Geoff Johns, the guy that once upon a time was fameous for taking characters broken beyond repair and making them awesome again (his work on Hawkman will always be a favorite of mine) before he got out of hand and started fixing things that weren't broken, like the green lantern corp (now we have rainbow lanterns!) and the entire DC universe. Art is by Jim Lee, and honestly, even your mom knows who he is; probobly the single most sucessful comic artist in the past 20 years. I still measure every single x-men anything ever against his original chris clairmont-written run, and his wildstorm universe is the best stuff to come out of image that isn't green with a fin on it's head. He's been responsible for a lot of the costume redesigns going on, which is kinda cool, except that other people have to draw these designs, and no one else seems to make them look quite right. I shutter to think what it's going to look like when living legend george perez has to draw the new Superman armor in man of tomorrow.
The new justice league is a pretty good lineup, considering that it's supposed to be a brand new FIRST team: superman, batman, green lantern, wonder woman, flash, aquaman, cyborg. The obviously intriguing idea is that cyborg now gets to be a founding JL member, but honestly, he's always been a hairs breath from being in the league: it was just that he fit so nicely into the teen titans that kept him from making the jump. He even made it into that colossal super-friends style cartoon in the mid eighties that included firestorm and all the new characters like apache chief... I was to young to remember the specific name of the show, but honestly, they all run together.
(And yes, I know cyborg was in some of the recent iterations of the justice league, but honestly... so was congorilla.)
So, cyborg aside, the first thing I noticed was the last minute decision to de-pants wonder woman. All the promotional art featured a slight alteration to her recent pants-centric outfit, simply retooling the gold highlights to silver and adding some new bands. Not until the comic finally dropped did you see that she was suddenly back in her underwear. Even the adds for wonder woman #1 inside show the revamed pantsless look. I was honestly kinda warming up to the pants, but I have to admit, this look is a lot more familiar, so we'll just have to wait for the wonder woman series to see how this plays out.
Meanwhile, how about this actual issue? It reaches back a bit, telling the league's new origin story. This issue features the first meeting of batman and green lantern. The thing that really struck me was how fresh it felt, and yet how familiar. Hal's cockiness is suddenly front and center, no doubt thanks to Ryan Reynold's surprisingly non-horrible-if-moderately-retarded movie. Batman is as gruff as ever; DC would be beyond stupid to mess with him. What really moves in this issue is the layering of these two personalities and the differences in how they operate: both of them think the other is an obvious joke. Then when superman shows up, you REALLY get struck by him. The new tougher supes makes the character just explode from the page... I suddenly can't WAIT for action comics next week.
Supes costume really works when Jim draws it, but then he designed it, didn't he? I feel like such a follower, praising his work, but the fact is, the guy is really, really good. The whole issue looks phenominal. I don't know if I've ever seen Hal be so cavaleer about his constructs... filling whole cities with them. It all just pops.
I honestly don't see how Geoff can maintain this level of clever character interplay between seven seperate characters. If he can find some way to isolate and emphasize the character traits in all these new versions of classic heroes and play them off each other, then this is going to be a great read... but I just don't see how it can be done: it'll be a herculean task.
Great comic, though. Really makes me eager to read the books of the individual characters, and see how they all layer together.
Which was their plan all along. Jerks.